Blogging Is Only About the Numbers

I am a new blogger and I am mad. 

Okay, maybe not mad. I am... Confused? Perplexed? 

No, let's go back to mad.

Mad is good. Just read this shit. 

Why?  

It will piss you off. And being pissed off about this is a good thing. 

It will also {hopefully} raise your spirits if you're new to blogging. Which, let's just face it... If you're new to blogging, you need someone to feed you a steady stream of liquor and laughter. 



What is blogging about? Let me count the ways... 

That is not an ode to Liz Browning, people. Literally, let me count the ways by showing you what this scene is seemingly obsessed with (aside from advertising revenue and free swag to promote):

Because I don't want to waste any of your online viewing time, I have included a helpful "relate this way" list, so that you can find the category to which you best identify and respond appropriately (virtually) to my anger and move on to the meat of this.

If you aren't willing to put yourself into can't relate to any of these categories, click the little "x" at the top of your browser and we will both agree we'll never be online "besties." I am each and every one of these categories all at once - you can at least identify with one. 


Click on the picture below if you'd like to enlarge it...

Every article (that is worth a damn in it's view count) in the blogging or social media circles say the same things. Although most of them have the cookie-cutter-disclaimer of "content is really what's important," here's the summary of most shit I've read:

• 10 ways to increase your Likes on Facebook! or The 5 Critical Steps To Gain Followers on Twitter! 
• SEO (search engine optimization) is so much more important than breathing! Click through 7,124 ads to read why!
• Google+ is the new Facebook! Read here to learn how to dominate all of your "circle shares."  

Now, I don't have my knickers in a twist because "circle shares" is one of the most stupid combinations of words to try and market... 

No, I am kicking myself in the arse because as much as I'm embarrassed to admit it, I have asked myself the following questions recently: 

1. Do I need to be concerned with the completely vague and weirdly stalker-ish number of "views" on my Google+ profile? 
2. Do I need to open another Facebook account even though I closed it years ago because it was filled with cat memes, cats doing shit in videos, and advertisements about cats? For reference, I have ZERO cats.
3. Should I open an Instagram account so that I won't alienate users of that platform who hate Pinterest? 

Now, I know what you're thinking: no one hates Pinterest. And I would agree with you. However, in my new-blogger, numbers-focused induced stupor, all logical thought left me. I became fixated on my growing anxiety about my self worth social media numbers.

If you're not a blogger and you're reading this, you might be lost. I have nothing for you, other than you should take heed to learn some 'blogger speak' before proceeding with your life. Here, let me help: 

If you are a blogger, are you as frustrated as I am or are you one "those Zen-type" people from whom I need to take a page?

I don't know any other bloggers in real life. My poor husband has probably thought, more than a few times, that I have lost my ever-lovin' mind. 

Dorothy's "lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" just popped into my head as "followers and views and likes, oh my!" Laughter really is the best medicine for anything that ails ya, isn't it? 

Perhaps it's the vodka, but I have come to some conclusions: 

• Thanks to anyone who's ever sent me an Instagram photo of your daily Starbucks score, with or without, a filter. Fuck Instagram. I refuse to participate. Our society is already voyeuristic enough that I don't need to get to know you through your filter selection and random shitty snapshots or {yet another} selfie.  

• Thanks to liquor and laughter, I have pledged never to allow myself to let complete strangers contribute to my measurement of self worth, online or otherwise.

And this graphic dribble you see on here? In case you haven't read the articles, it's great for pinning to Pinterest!

I'm not good with subtlety - just pin it, okay? With over 500 million blogs out there, someone you know blogs and will get a kick out of it. 

Until next time.